What would I do?

Never at a loss for things to do, I'm thinking I spend a lot of time doing things I don't really want to do in lieu of pursuing those things that I feel passionate about. Make sense, probably not. Every day I go to work, and it's not that I don't enjoy most of what i do, but in my heart I'm dreaming of other things.

This conflict has been torturing me for years now. At one time in my life when I was a working artist, and that includes starving, I felt I was doing what I was placed on earth to do. Those days were hand-in-hand with raising my two children. It was a good life. And, then things changed.

Somehow I thought to myself I can finish raising my children. They needed me at the time. Then, I can go back and pursue my dreams. Years passed and my confidence waned and continue to wane as I struggle to find my place again. I'm caught up in a life I really didn't expect, or ask for. So, what happened?

The week 6 chapter in a Bible study I'm doing online called A Confident Heart has unleashed a ton of feelings about my current life. I'm looking for some shoring up and decision making confidence.... but I'm lost.

Sunday, I had to go to church. I always tell people when I need to feel loved for who I am, who I really am, I go to church. It is where I found acceptance and love for the past 25 years. I poured my heart out to a friend of mine who told me that I was one of the most unique and talented people she has ever met - and then I ask myself... why am I afraid to let that work?

I'm waiting on the Lord, I'm really trying to look to him for the answer this time. We don't always listen now do we... it takes confidence. Within this morning's email was this paragraph from a post by Todd Henry on Michael Hyatt's blog via the Bible study hosts.

In the post, TH’s friend asks the question “Do you know what the most valuable land in the world is?” After numerous wrong guesses of places like diamond mines and oil rich lands, he replies, “It’s the graveyard… because with all of those people are buried unfulfilled dreams, unwritten novels, masterpieces not created, businesses not started, relationships not reconciled. That is the most valuable land in the world.”

That's almost to much to think about in a week's time, much less the 10 minutes I have spent in front of my computer this morning.

It reminds me of an art installation I created a few years back. It was ballet shoe covered with colorful crocheted flowers. Tucked inside was a photograph of my grandmother and at least 5 of her 12 children. The thought behind the piece was focused on how many wonderful ideas were not unleashed to the world, but rather tethered to my grandmother's hands, forgotten and discarded because of the work she felt she must do first. It was honorable work, work meant to feed her family, care for the farm and her husband.

We all must do what we have to do every day. I'm just hoping that today I find some confidence to do what God wants me to do. After all, I have been privileged to be blessed with many relatives, children and grandchildren; and God willing to reach another milestone birthday in this approaching New Year.

I'm glad it snowed last night. Winter is finally here - a blanket of white that gives me time to huddle and cuddle and reflect on my year.